Sunday, November 27, 2011

The top 9 most controversial video game foods

The holidays are finally here and with that comes the requisite avalanche of food and tsunami of triple-A titles you'll never have enough time to finish. In honor of all the food you're probably wasting, we at Gamer's Guide to Life want to recognize some of our favorite games for implementing the life-giving sustenance we all know and love. What better way to enjoy holiday nourishment than analyzing the digital version? 

You might not think about it, question it or even believe it has any relevance whatsoever to video games, but food is a pretty important product of their design. Much like the real world, without proper sustenance our bodies would shrivel up and disintegrate into the uncaring winds of the world. Well, video game characters would simply respawn but that's beside the point. So while you're diving deep into those household delicacies, take a moment with me and explore the most believable food integration in these nine video games. 
Energy Tank 
Found in: Mega Man series


The Mega Man games are known for their unforgiving difficulty, slammin' music and of course, for Energy Tanks. The Energy Tank is basically your "Get out of Jail" card as it refreshes your health before you become a husk of machinery and man. Usually they're found in hard to reach areas and secret passageways, but occasionally you'll get a lucky drop from a normal foe. When this happens the person playing typically screams like a small school girl (if it's a girl playing the polar opposite happens, resulting in a manly football shout).  

Believability - 9/10: Mega Man is a dude made of, well, lots of stuff. Let's face it, we don't know exactly what makes him tick or what could be lurking underneath the top of those rare E-tanks. Really it could just be a gob of oil, Sour Patch Kids or something weird. Still, whatever lightning infused shock plasma liquid he throws down his gullet works and I don't think anyone has any reason to argue.  

Found in: Super Mario everything


There isn't a single Super Mario game that doesn't have the famed mushroom sliding about in its digital depths. It was fairly obvious this item would make it on the list so I'll make this as terse as possible. How does a mushroom make somebody grow? That's another debate entirely and the answer is surely lying within another castle, but the real question you should be asking is how does each mushroom affect Mario? Green ones give him another go at life and the red ones make him healthier (aka bigger). That's how it works in Mario-land. 
Believability - 7/10: If you think about it Mario doesn't have it that bad. Mushrooms are pretty good sautéed up with various ingredients and they can literally go on anything if you love them that much. Mario fetches these things out of boxes in all sorts of crazy environments, but fortunately for his sake mushrooms can practically grow anywhere. As for the whole getting bigger thing and another life deal: mushrooms certainly aren't bad for you so I suppose they could aid in your growth, but as far as the extra life goes...  

Found in: Donkey Kong Country series


Bananas aren't exclusively found in the Donkey Kong Country series, but they most certainly are a heavy focus. While you might question how bananas are floating of their own accord, collecting 100 of the potassium enriched fruits conjures up a free guy out of virtually nowhere. Don't ask how it works because I'm a little more concerned about collecting them from an industrial complex, swamps, and underwater. 
Believability - 8/10: The bottom line is that bananas are good for you and that shows with the emphasis for collecting them in Donkey Kong Country. It might make little sense as to why a gaggle of creatures are after a bunch of bananas but if Donkey and company were smart they'd just let the Kremlings have them. Why? Well, I'm fairly certain ingesting a multitude of bananas hanging around an oil plant can't have any positive effects on you.  

Assorted Food  
Found in: The Elder Scrolls series


Skyrim has taken over the lives of the weak willed here at Gamer's Guide to Life, but we who have somehow wrestled away from its confining grasp live to tell the tale of its plethora of assorted food. Yes, every Elder Scrolls game contains a vast variety of food whether it be standard cabbage, carrots or a simple baked potato. The magic of this food presents itself when you find yourself in a sticky situation. Defying the laws of everything, you can literally gorge yourself since each piece of food gives you up to one or two health back. What's this mean? That Black Knight who lifted his two-handed blade of killing to strike the final blow will instead find a refreshed and replenished adventurer before him. Shouldn't have blinked.  

Believability - 5/10: While there are those people out there who make a living off of downing hot dogs and other foods within twelve nanoseconds, it's a little odd to see someone devour their entire inventory when their life flashes before their eyes. I mean, I have nothing against carrots or delicious baked potatoes but something's got to give here people. Unless it was just discovered that cabbage has an alien regenerative power built inside its core, I'm fairly certain an iron arrow impaling your body is a large concern. Fairly.  

Pot Roast/Chicken  
Found in: Castlevania series


There's little else as enticing as a nice roasted, hot chicken awaiting your arrival after a long and hard day. We complain about dealing with customers, inefficient co-workers or leaving work five minutes late, but how do you think the Belmont clan feels? Cursed to hold Dracula in perpetual check, these guys have to traverse demon-infested castles riddled with entire walls of spikes and other things that want to kill them. Injury is inevitable at this point and what better way to heal wounds than... eat a pot roast?  

Believability - 2/10: Assaulting a fortress of demonry is one thing, asking to be healed by a chicken or pot roast is something different entirely. Firstly, it's not like a ghost or something else supernatural and angry is going to purposely drop a nice, fully cooked chicken for you. Even if that somehow happens (and it actually does) the other way to find this miracle meat is inside of the castle walls. That's right, you actually have to destroy the dilapidated remains of a castle wall and it could materialize a nice chicken for you to devour. I don't know about you but if I was trying to kill someone trespassing in my castle I wouldn't be leaving around culinary wonders in my damned walls.  

Leaves/Spray Health  
Found in: Resident Evil series


It's a well known fact that the Resident Evil games have some rather startling moments. With zombie sharks, dogs and mutated beasts of anger all vying to put the killing blow on you, healing becomes something of a necessity in this series. Despite how bad the injury looks or what diseased creature bit you, herbal leaves will always and I mean ALWAYS do the trick. Crush 'em on up, throw them in your stomach and you're ready for another round of zombie-related injury. It makes about as much sense as a healing spray! Wait...  

Believability - 4/10: I'm no herbal expert but I do know there are some miraculous plants out there. However, I don't think these plants are going to drop off a mutilated zombie and I don't think they're going to be effective in treating several gunshot wounds and a bite to the neck. Hey, I've been wrong before.  

Meat Buns  
Found in: Dynasty Warriors series


What do you do when a thousand warriors stand in the way of you and your goal? The choice is obvious if you're playing any kind of Dynasty Warriors game. Killing hundreds of thousands of soldiers is a rough business though and even the most stalwart of warriors will eventually suffer from fatigue and injury. Enter the meat bun. While you might be getting chased by a horde of angry peons with pikes, heal those injuries instantaneously by ingesting one of these magical meat buns. No it doesn't matter that you got it out of a vase, just eat it!  

Believability - 3/10: Glorious as it must be to vanquish a thousand foes without breaking a sweat, that's easier for me to believe than a meat bun healing all your wounds. But hey, at least they had the decency to put the food in pots for the soldiers.  

Found in: Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater


Probably the most believable of the bunch, MGS3 thrusts Snake into the wilderness where he must prey on the wildlife to survive. I don't know about you but eating a spider just to get through it all sounds tough. No thwacking a wall to discover a six-course banquet here.  

Believability - 10/10: Snake's the real deal. 

Found in: Pac Man 


The classic circular man gobbles away at all sorts of objects, (whatever those energy pebbles are) but what really gets him going are the assortments of fruit bouncing around the map. Fruit that's somehow packing the ability to move downright scares me, but at least Pac Man follows Donkey Kong's route and understands what's good for him. That is, until he goes berserk and starts attacking the ghosts floating around his domain. I'm right there with you Pac Man, I don't want people trespassing on my property either but to eat them? You know they're ghosts right? 

Believability - 4/10: The fruit stuff is perfectly fine as it maintains a healthy lifestyle for the little man. However, eating ghosts... not so much. How does that even work? You know, let's just forget about the whole thing.  

BONUS: Souls 
Found in: Soul Reaver


Raziel, you can't just go around killing guys and using their soul as nourishment. I mean, there are rules out there man! Try something normal and grab a bowl of cereal or someth... woah, woah, woah! Get away you devil demon! You can't...  

Believability - 0/10: Yeah, right.

1 comment:

  1. You named all the delicious food, not the controversial food. What about suspicious meat in Fallout??